Saint Dirty Face

By Saint Dirty Face™

Somewhere along the way, I stopped needing the world to understand me.

I’m 54 years old.

Fifty-four winters. Fifty-four years of living, loving, losing, winning, screwing things up, making things right, burning bridges, building bridges, and occasionally wondering how the hell I made it this far.

I’ve been the good guy.

I’ve been the asshole.

I’ve been the man who stood his ground when he probably should have walked away. And I’ve been the man who walked away when every fiber of his being wanted to stay and fight.

I’ve made mistakes I can’t undo. I’ve said things I can’t take back. I’ve trusted people I shouldn’t have, and I’ve probably disappointed people who deserved better from me.

That’s life.

That’s my life.

And for the first time in a long time, I can look at all of it without feeling the need to explain myself.

Not because I’m proud of every decision.

Not because I don’t have regrets.

But because I’ve finally accepted that every chapter, including the ugly ones, belongs to me.

The Man in the Rain

The other night, I heard a song for the first time.

It stopped me.

Not because it was the greatest song ever written. Not because of some incredible guitar solo or a voice that could shake the heavens.

It stopped me because I recognized myself in it.

On the screen was a weathered man standing in the pouring rain. Long hair, scars, a cigarette, and a face that looked like it had seen a few things.

I looked at him and saw peace.

Some people might see sadness. Others might see loneliness or defeat.

I saw something different.

I saw a man who wasn’t running from the rain.

He was letting it fall.

Because rain isn’t always a storm to survive.

Sometimes it’s what washes you clean.

Water cleanses. It refreshes. It gives life. It washes away the dust we’ve carried for miles.

And standing there, looking at that image, I realized something.

I’m no longer trying to escape every storm. Sometimes I just want to stand in the rain and let it wash over me.

The Armor Gets Heavy

I’ve worn armor most of my life.

Not the kind you can see.

The kind you build after being hurt, disappointed, betrayed, challenged, or forced to become stronger than you ever wanted to be.

Armor that says, Don’t let them see you hurt.

Don’t let them see you cry.

Don’t back down.

Don’t show weakness.

And for a long time, that armor served a purpose.

It protected me.

But here’s something nobody tells you about wearing armor for decades.

Eventually, you forget how to take the damn thing off.

You start treating every disagreement like a battle. Every criticism like an attack. Every disappointment like another reason to build the walls higher.

And before you know it, you’re exhausted from fighting wars that nobody else even knows you’re fighting.

I’m learning to take mine off.

Some days it’s easy.

Other days, that old armor fits a little too comfortably.

But I’m getting better.

I don’t have to answer every insult.

I don’t have to correct every idiot.

And believe me, there are days when that last one requires the patience of a saint.

A very dirty-faced saint. 😏

I still get angry. I still have a temper. I still have moments when the darkness in my eyes returns and that old fire starts burning.

I even have a name for that darker side of me.

Torbet.

He’s been around a long time.

And I’m not going to pretend he’s gone.

But he’s no longer running the show.

I can feel the anger rising, recognize it, take a breath, and ask myself a question I wish I’d learned to ask decades ago.

Is this really worth my peace?

More often than not, the answer is no.

And I walk away.

Head held high.

Not defeated.

Just finished.

I Cry Now. So What?

Here’s something else that’s changed.

I cry.

A sad song can get me.

A scene in a movie can get me.

Sometimes it’s a memory. Sometimes it’s something beautiful. Sometimes it’s something heartbreaking that has absolutely nothing to do with my own life.

And you know what?

I don’t give a damn who sees it.

I’m not embarrassed.

I’m not apologizing.

I’m a 54-year-old man who has experienced enough life to understand that tears aren’t evidence of weakness.

They’re evidence that something still reaches me.

That after everything I’ve seen, everything I’ve endured, and everything I’ve lost, I can still feel deeply.

I consider that a blessing.

I spent enough years trying to be tough.

These days, I’d rather be real.

The Past Doesn’t Get to Own My Present

There are things in my past that still sting.

There are people I wish had acted differently. Situations I wish had ended another way. Things I built that didn’t last. Battles I fought that probably weren’t worth fighting.

And yes, there are moments when I still get angry thinking about them.

I’m not going to lie and say I’ve reached some magical level of enlightenment where nothing bothers me anymore.

Bullshit.

I’m still me.

But something has changed.

I no longer want to live there.

I can remember what happened without moving back into it.

I can acknowledge the injustice without making it my daily responsibility to correct the entire world.

I can recognize that something mattered deeply to me, even if it didn’t matter to somebody else.

And I can move forward without receiving the apology, acknowledgment, or recognition I once believed I needed.

Sometimes my pride still whispers, They should remember what you did.

And maybe they should.

But the quieter part of me answers, You remember. Isn’t that enough?

These days, it is.

I’m not erasing my history.

I’m just refusing to let it write the rest of my story.

A Crew of One

For much of my adult life, I felt responsible for more than myself.

I wanted to protect people. Stand up for them. Fight injustice. Speak when others couldn’t or wouldn’t.

Sometimes I succeeded.

Sometimes I made things harder than they needed to be.

But I cared.

And I still do.

The difference now is that I’ve realized I don’t have to carry everyone else’s battles on my shoulders.

For the first time in a very long time, I’m a crew of one.

And there’s something liberating about that.

It doesn’t mean I’m alone.

I have people I love. People who matter. People I’d still go through hell for.

It means I’m finally taking responsibility for my own peace instead of constantly sacrificing it trying to fix everything around me.

I can help without becoming consumed.

I can care without carrying the entire world.

And I can say no without writing a three-page explanation.

That’s freedom.

Another Morning, Another Gift

One of the most meaningful changes in my life happens before the day even gets started.

I wake up.

And I thank Yeshua.

For another day.

For the gift of life.

For my family. For my friends. For the people I love having another opportunity to experience this world.

I don’t ask for a perfect day.

I don’t expect every problem to disappear.

I simply recognize that I have been given something that isn’t guaranteed to any of us.

Another sunrise.

Another chance to laugh.

Another chance to love.

Another chance to make something right.

Another chance to be a better man than I was yesterday.

There was a time when I might have opened my eyes and immediately started thinking about everything I needed to accomplish, everything that needed fixing, and every problem waiting for me.

Now I try to begin with gratitude.

I’m here.

The people I love are here.

And today is a gift.

That’s enough to start with.

Regrets That Can Still Be Fixed

I still have regrets.

Hell, I suspect I’ll collect a few more before this ride is over.

But there’s a difference between the regrets I carried for decades and the ones I experience now.

The old ones sometimes belong to a world that no longer exists.

The people have changed. The circumstances have changed. The opportunity to make things right may have passed.

I’ve had to learn to live with that.

But today’s regrets?

Those are different.

If I say something stupid, I can apologize.

If I hurt someone, I can try to make it right.

If I make a poor decision, I can change direction.

I don’t have to defend every mistake just because my pride doesn’t want to admit I made one.

And I don’t have to turn one bad moment into an entire bad day.

That’s something I’m still learning.

Maybe I’ll be learning it until my last winter.

I’m okay with that.

Happiness Without Permission

Something unexpected happened when I stopped trying so hard to be understood.

I became happy.

Not the loud, look-at-me kind of happy.

Not the kind that requires photographs, applause, recognition, or somebody telling me how wonderful my life is.

A quieter happiness.

The kind that lets me enjoy music without thinking about tomorrow.

The kind that lets me create something simply because I want to.

The kind that lets me laugh at something ridiculous, spend time with people I love, or sit in silence without feeling like I should be doing something more productive.

I’ve started new adventures. I’ve created things. I’ve rediscovered parts of myself that had been buried beneath responsibility, expectations, and years of trying to hold everything together.

And somewhere in all of that, I realized I don’t need an audience.

I don’t need everybody to like me.

I don’t need everybody to remember me.

I don’t even need everybody to understand me.

I know who I am.

And for the first time, that feels like enough.

Here’s to Another 54 Winters

I don’t know what the future holds.

Nobody does.

I could spend the next twenty years worrying about it, trying to control it, trying to prepare for every possibility.

Or I could live today.

That doesn’t mean abandoning responsibility or pretending tomorrow doesn’t matter.

It means refusing to sacrifice every beautiful moment of the present to a future that hasn’t happened yet.

I’m 54.

I’ve walked through some fires.

I’ve stood in some storms.

I’ve built things, broken things, loved people, lost people, made mistakes, and occasionally gotten a few things right.

I’ve been angry.

I’ve been afraid.

I’ve been proud.

I’ve been humbled.

And yes, I’ve cried.

I don’t regret becoming the man I am, even if there are parts of the journey I wish had been different.

Because today, I can look in the mirror and recognize him.

Not a perfect man.

Not a saint.

Certainly not a man who has everything figured out.

Just a man who’s finally learning that peace doesn’t require winning every battle.

And if the world wants to see my scars, let it look.

If it sees my tears, let them fall.

I’m not ashamed.

I’m not hiding.

I’m not asking for permission to be myself.

The past is behind me.

The present is mine.

And the future?

We’ll see what happens when we get there.

For now, I’m going to enjoy the rain.

Here’s to another 54 winters.

And here’s to the man who finally learned he doesn’t have to fight through every single one of them.

— Saint Dirty Face™

Still standing. Still learning. Finally living.