So here’s the scam, kids: we’ve been lied to.

All those documentaries with Morgan Freeman’s voice purring about “the great mysteries of spacetime”? Bullshit.

Black holes aren’t noble mysteries of the cosmos. They’re intergalactic prank doors. Cosmic “WET PAINT” signs that keep luring scientists into staring contests with the void.

You don’t get spaghetti-fied. You don’t get sucked into infinity like a majestic cosmic vacuum. You just… fall. Casually. Awkwardly. Like tripping on the curb outside Taco Bell at 2 AM. Except instead of nachos, you end up in a parallel universe where physics itself is drunk.

And let’s talk about those wormholes we keep hearing about.

Fake. All fake. From the outside, they look like a shimmering Stargate of infinite wonder. Step closer, though, and surprise—it’s just the universe slapping an “Out of Order” sign on reality. Nothing sucks you through. Nothing peels you apart into elegant space noodles. You just stumble in like an idiot and bam—you’re gone.

Where do you end up?

Welcome to the Bizarro Universe.

Here’s what’s waiting for you on the other side:

Boys are girls, girls are boys, dogs walk people, and Taco Bell is health food. Déjà vu? That creepy glitch where you’re sure you’ve seen this before? Yeah, because you have. Over there. Your Bizarro Twin already did it, and the memory just leaked across dimensions like a bad Wi-Fi signal. Gravity doesn’t even know what it’s doing. Up is down, down is up, and left and right file restraining orders against each other.

And then you meet them. Your Bizarro Twin.

The one who actually made good choices.

The one who didn’t text their ex.

The one who invested in Bitcoin instead of Funyuns.

And guess what? They take one look at you and go, “Well shit—you’re the evil twin.”

So what’s the moral?

Maybe black holes aren’t gateways to salvation or science—they’re just the universe’s way of running a prank show. Cosmic Punk’d. You fall in, Ashton Kutcher pops out, and then gravity slaps you with the laugh track.

Saint Dirty Face Says:

“If you ever meet your Bizarro Twin in a black hole, do us all a favor—punch him first. Trust me, he was thinking the same thing.”