(A Saint Dirty Face Survival Guide)**

Look… I’m not saying you should do it.

I’m just saying if you were going to do it, here’s how to not get fired by Janet from HR — the woman who still types with one finger and believes WiFi runs on holy water.

1. Master the Art of the Innocent Tab Switch

Be faster than a tax refund disappearing.

You hear footsteps?

BAM — weather.com.

Nothing screams innocence like pretending you care about humidity levels.

2. Become a Screenshot Ninja

Open everything as a screenshot, not the real webpage.

That way if your thumb slips, you’re busting open a JPEG, not your entire career.

3. Use Earbuds. Real Ones.

Not those “oh they’re connected… I think?” Bluetooth ghosts.

Last thing you need is your entire office hearing:

“Ohhh yes—”

while you sprint to your phone like you’re defusing a bomb.

4. Know Your Surroundings Like a Prison Escape Artist

Two monitors?

Sweet.

Back to the wall?

Legendary.

Coworkers with peripheral vision like eagles?

Avoid them like expired sushi.

5. Keep a Decoy Email Open

This is your alibi.

Your “I’m being productive” costume.

Excel sheet, budget report, or a blank Word doc titled Q4 Metrics.

Nobody will ever click it.

Not even you.

6. NEVER… EVER… Forget the Volume Button

One accidental full blast and suddenly you’re the Main Event at the Monday Morning Morality Council.

7. And Finally… The Golden Rule

If your boss walks in,

you were checking policy updates.

ALLLLLWAYS policy updates.

That phrase is HR-proof.

It spreads fear and confusion.

They won’t question it.